I’m visiting Ottawa. It’s a big city with old buildings, construction, smelly streets and lots of faces.

It’s Day 3 and I think it’s a good idea to get some coffee a short distance from the hotel.

I head to Bridgehead and order a dark roast. A homeless man stares at me as I pour sugar into my coffee and begin to stir it. He’s my new best friend and I don’t know it yet. Here’s some highlights:

1) You got money? He says casually.

Nope.

You look like you got money hey.

I hide it well.

2) I like you, sit down and talk with me please.

Ok I’ll sit down. (I sit)

I wanna be a Jew. Yeah. A Jew hey. You know?

Do I know a Jew or do I know the feeling?

Huh?

Can’t say I do.

Oh, I read the good book hey. (He pulls one out of his bag and puts it on the table firmly, with authority) this makes me wanna be a Jew.

Ok then.

You read this?

Not in a long time.

But you read it before hey?

Some of it.

Well I read all of it hey, and I wanna be a Jew hey.

3) You go to school?

Not anymore.

University?

Yes.

You look smart hey. You smart?

I am sometimes, thank you.

Oh you’re welcome. You’re big hey?

I guess I don’t hide that well.

No. You don’t. You used to be thin hey?

I wouldn’t say thin but not always this big.

What happened hey?

Too much sugar in my coffee.

No shit. You need a vitamin hey. I got a vitamin. You want one?

No thanks.

You sure hey?

I’m sure.

It’ll fix your ‘tabilism.

It will?

Yeah hey. It fixed mine.

Still no thanks.

You need ex lax hey. You know what that is?

I do. (everyone around tries not to laugh)

I’ll keep that in mind.

4) Everyone wants God dead you know.

Do they?

Everyone but me.

Oh.

Do you?

Nope.

That’s two of us then hey.

It is.

It hurts hey.

What hurts?

People wanting god dead. What do you have to be to want that hey?

In pain.

Maybe. Maybe. Yeah maybe.

5) People don’t know what’s true.

Which people?

All of them.

All of us?

All of them. They don’t know the Illuminati hey. Don’t believe it when they hear it.

Illumi-what-y? (very obviously pretending that I don’t know)

(He laughs) Exactly! Exactly what I’m saying hey.

6) You should come to my cottage sometime hey.

A cottage?

I’m kidding. I live on the streets hey. Just up a block. That’s where I sleep.

Oh, up there?

Yeah but don’t be worried hey. I got threads. Lots of threads hey. See. (he shows me his layers of clothing)

If you don’t want me to worry, I won’t worry.

Thanks hey.

7) (tapping the bible) I hate it hey.

The book?

No. No. What it’s about. What’s in it.

What’s in it?

You said you read it.

I said it’s been a while.

It’s sin hey.

The book is sin?

No.

Ok.

It’s sin in your head. They put sin in your head. I don’t like it hey.

Who does?

Men.

Men?

Men. They put it in your head hey. That’s what the book is about.

Ok.

It isn’t women. Don’t believe that hey. It’s men.

All men?

Not all men hey. But it’s men doing it.

Doing what, again?

Putting sin in your head. It’s not god.

Not god.

It’s men.